Thursday, October 3, 2013
Half my Heart's in Heaven
Day by day it gets slightly easier, but harder at the same time. The cramping is gone, and now i'm almost at a point where i'm thinking it was all a dream, even though I know it wasn't.
Monday, September 30, 2013
More Waiting
So I went to the doctor again today to get my HCG levels checked to see where they are at. After waiting from 10:30am, I got a phone call at 5:30pm, levels are down to 1. So I have to wait another week to get another blood test to make sure they go down to 0 and if not I may have to have a D&C because of the risk of infection.
I've come to realize that in any situation, waiting is the hardest part. Waiting a year for my husband to get home from deployment, after a month and a half of him being home I started feeling like I was pregnant and I had to wait two weeks to take the test and for it to come up positive. Then I was (as patiently as I could) waiting for my first OB appointment, which was supposed to be today. Instead of setting up another appointment and waiting a little while to hear my baby's heartbeat, I am now waiting for all of the tissue to leave my body so I can get back to a regular cycle. Then start the process over again. Then my husband will deploy again next year, and there will be more waiting.
But while I continue waiting, our daughter's second birthday is coming up. So I will be immersing myself in getting ready for a fun little party for her.
I've come to realize that in any situation, waiting is the hardest part. Waiting a year for my husband to get home from deployment, after a month and a half of him being home I started feeling like I was pregnant and I had to wait two weeks to take the test and for it to come up positive. Then I was (as patiently as I could) waiting for my first OB appointment, which was supposed to be today. Instead of setting up another appointment and waiting a little while to hear my baby's heartbeat, I am now waiting for all of the tissue to leave my body so I can get back to a regular cycle. Then start the process over again. Then my husband will deploy again next year, and there will be more waiting.
But while I continue waiting, our daughter's second birthday is coming up. So I will be immersing myself in getting ready for a fun little party for her.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
A tiny Angel went to Heaven
On September 11, 2013, two little pink lines on a pregnancy test brought great joy to my heart. I couldn't stop shaking for a few minutes because it just did not seem real. We are having another baby! The next day I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew, and set up my 6 week appointment. Our baby would be due May 25, 2014!!
It seemed so crazy that it happened so soon, as my husband came home from deployment only 2 months prior; I felt like our growing family was falling into place.
But then that past week, my happiness quickly turned into fear and dread- I started to bleed. The instant I saw it I began to shake and cry. I kept telling myself to relax, maybe it was just a fluke and it would stop. But it didn't. I called my husband and we went straight to the ER. I was only about 5 and a half weeks pregnant, they said they wouldn't be able to see anything on an ultrasound. My HCG levels came back at 20, I knew in my heart what was happening. The doctor told me to get them checked again on Friday and we would go from there.
The next day everything got worse. The cramping/contracting was horrible, I could feel my body pushing out everything it could; my heart was telling my body to stop. But it didn't.
Every time I went to the washroom I cried.
That night it felt like all of my pregnancy symptoms vanished into thin air. And I cried some more.
Friday came around and first thing in the morning I was getting my blood drawn again. I waited for 2 painfully long hours for the doctors to confirm what I wished wasn't happening. The results came back and my levels were down to 5 and they need me to get them checked again next week to make sure they continue to go down. I sat there frozen as the doctor told me that my baby was gone- I had a miscarriage.
Everything he said after that seemed like a foreign language.
I walked out of the clinic doors into the OB/GYN waiting room filled with women in their later months of pregnancy waiting for their appointments. I started to cry, despite trying so hard to hold it in until I got into my car.
When I got to the car, I saw I had a voicemail on my phone, it was from my husband. Our daughter was on the phone and he told her to "say hi to mommy". After a few babbles, she said "Mommy, I love you!" My heart melted. I got home and gave her the biggest hug I could.
No one even knew we were expecting another child. It's a weird feeling to have. I just needed to share my story here and let it out of my head. On September 25, our tiny Angel went to Heaven. I just wish I knew why. Then I saw this photo and I feel like it's helped, even the tiniest bit ( I do not own any rights to this image, here is the link to the source- --
**I will always remember you, my little Peppercorn <3 **
Taken way too early, but maybe God needed a Tiny Angel in Heaven.
It seemed so crazy that it happened so soon, as my husband came home from deployment only 2 months prior; I felt like our growing family was falling into place.
But then that past week, my happiness quickly turned into fear and dread- I started to bleed. The instant I saw it I began to shake and cry. I kept telling myself to relax, maybe it was just a fluke and it would stop. But it didn't. I called my husband and we went straight to the ER. I was only about 5 and a half weeks pregnant, they said they wouldn't be able to see anything on an ultrasound. My HCG levels came back at 20, I knew in my heart what was happening. The doctor told me to get them checked again on Friday and we would go from there.
The next day everything got worse. The cramping/contracting was horrible, I could feel my body pushing out everything it could; my heart was telling my body to stop. But it didn't.
Every time I went to the washroom I cried.
That night it felt like all of my pregnancy symptoms vanished into thin air. And I cried some more.
Friday came around and first thing in the morning I was getting my blood drawn again. I waited for 2 painfully long hours for the doctors to confirm what I wished wasn't happening. The results came back and my levels were down to 5 and they need me to get them checked again next week to make sure they continue to go down. I sat there frozen as the doctor told me that my baby was gone- I had a miscarriage.
Everything he said after that seemed like a foreign language.
I walked out of the clinic doors into the OB/GYN waiting room filled with women in their later months of pregnancy waiting for their appointments. I started to cry, despite trying so hard to hold it in until I got into my car.
When I got to the car, I saw I had a voicemail on my phone, it was from my husband. Our daughter was on the phone and he told her to "say hi to mommy". After a few babbles, she said "Mommy, I love you!" My heart melted. I got home and gave her the biggest hug I could.
No one even knew we were expecting another child. It's a weird feeling to have. I just needed to share my story here and let it out of my head. On September 25, our tiny Angel went to Heaven. I just wish I knew why. Then I saw this photo and I feel like it's helped, even the tiniest bit ( I do not own any rights to this image, here is the link to the source- --
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
One of a Kind 3/52
One of a Kind 3/52
Originally uploaded by butterflyashes
self portrait week three of fifty two!! going strong!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
"Grapples"...more like "CRAPples"
So I went grocery shopping earlier today and while looking through the fruit, I saw something called
'Grapples'. They looked interesting enough, so I bought them to see what they would taste like...
I tried one and yes, it tasted like an apple...BUT, with a grape jolly rancher somehow twisted into it. Strange. VERY strange. I really like apples, and any candy that is grape flavored...but definitely not a grape-flavored apple. It was like biting into a regular Fugi apple and then -BAM- strong artificial grape flavoring. Needless to say I am disappointed that I spent money on them. Maybe since there are three apples (CRAPples) left, I can figure out something to make with them...for some reason i think they would taste good frozen...hmmm...maybe I'll try it.
On a better note, here is a picture of my lovely daughter's smiling "cheesy" face. She's such a nutball...
Oh...and I almost forgot...here is my 2nd photo for my Flickr 52 week photo project! Let me know what you think...I will be uploading week 3 on Monday :)
More than halfway done with this deployment...hubby can't come home soon enough...I miss him...he did get the heart-shaped brownies and cookies that I made him. Said they were really good. I am so happy they didn't spoil en route. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
* DO NOT remove any of my watermarking on any of these photos. If you would like to share the image on your blog/site/etc., please get my permission first and also link to my page.
On a better note, here is a picture of my lovely daughter's smiling "cheesy" face. She's such a nutball...
More than halfway done with this deployment...hubby can't come home soon enough...I miss him...he did get the heart-shaped brownies and cookies that I made him. Said they were really good. I am so happy they didn't spoil en route. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
* DO NOT remove any of my watermarking on any of these photos. If you would like to share the image on your blog/site/etc., please get my permission first and also link to my page.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
New Year, New Adventures...
I am starting a 52 week photo project. 1 self portrait photo a week for 52 weeks! I will also be sharing my 52 week journey on Flickr and Facebook .
Here is my first photo for the project...
* DO NOT remove any of my watermarking on any of these photos. If you would like to share the image on your blog/site/etc., please get my permission first and also link to my page.
Also to come soon-- the adventures of having a toddler! My little girl is already 15 months old! Can't wait to share our experiences!
*****Also, I know the blog looks a little messy as of right now...I am working on cleaning it up and making it look better! :)
Here is my first photo for the project...
* DO NOT remove any of my watermarking on any of these photos. If you would like to share the image on your blog/site/etc., please get my permission first and also link to my page.
Also to come soon-- the adventures of having a toddler! My little girl is already 15 months old! Can't wait to share our experiences!
*****Also, I know the blog looks a little messy as of right now...I am working on cleaning it up and making it look better! :)
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